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  • “This is the life. 9/10”
  • “Douche kit. A considerate and unexpected bonus. 10/10”
  • “Some weather on a boat. 10/10”
  • “Some weather at the festival. 2/10”
  • “The cut-throat cafe mafia did us for orange juice at shit o clock in the morning. Just say no to orange juice with your petit dejeuner, or you will owe a waiter your legs. 1/10”
  • “A French man makes an excellent analogue CCTV system. Reassuring. 9/10”
  • “Beatch. Slightly windy. 8/10”
  • “Pirate knock-off. I'm not sure what constitutes a performance for a pirate, but it's not the robot dance. 3/10”
  • “Meta. Taking a picture of a photographer is like typing 'google' into Google - the results are not very interesting, unless excellent trousers. 7/10”
  • “WANTED: Lucia Matisse, aggressively enthusiastic ferry performer, may kill or have killed already. Do not approach. 9/10”
  • “The Last Supper. Three course festival meal with wine. Sporadic blinding sunlight requires the passing around of ceremonial sunglasses. 8/10”
  • “Sometimes, French people smoke. Mainly when they are awake. 7/10”
  • “Middle of the road: This is Josh T Pearson, but that doesn't matter. This theatre is modelled on the interior of a massive new car. Leather and magic tree smell, giant indicators. 9/10”
  • “This is our house for most of the weekend. It is a mansion, with grounds in which to mince and max. Slightly spooky. 9/10”
  • “Fit but you know it: The portrait, the owner tells us, is of his grandfather's girlfriend. She's beautiful but disdainful. 7/10”
  • “Definitely haunted dining room of French Mansion. Inviting in the morning, terrifying at night. A mixed bag. 6/10”
  • “Sports day at French Mansion. Much mincing, some maxing. 7/10”
  • “Living room of French Mansion. The analogue fire did not light itself, resulting in hours of manual effort choosing which pages of The Guardian to use for kindling. 6/10”
  • “Living room of French Mansion. This is a real Dali. We used it to light the analogue fire. It burned well. 10/10”
  • “Cici the evil horse. This hand was lost immediately after this picture was taken. 4/10”
  • “Murderous horse strikes again. Another hand sadly lost. 2/10”
  • “Flower. Nice, but a little bit showy. Mother Nature must try harder. 8/10”
  • “Crocs, monsieur. This made the ferry home even more upsetting that necessary. 2/10”
  • “A small child enjoys the ferry panto, Aladdin. It was a contemporary production featuring many pop classics from Lady Gaga to some others. The singing was fine but the dancing was sloppy, and a rough crossing is no excuse. 6/10”
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Interview With La Route Du Rock

LE WHOOOOOOP DE JOUR A LA MODE DANS LA PLAGE

Kate Wellham went to La Route Du Rock and all you got were these hilarious captions, irrelevant photos and pangs of nauseating jealousy. She would have brought you back a t-shirt but they were all out of ‘Asterix C’est Mon Homehomme’ in your size, and the duty-free she earmarked for you was quaffed on the ferry to block out the car-crash cabaret and pervy trucketrs. But who is she, what is it, and where’s the relevance?

Kate Wellham is a freelance print and video journalist based in Bradford. She writes in joined-up. She plays with cameras. She has a clever telephone. She is a cunning linguist. Some people even say she has a roller-skating unicorn tattooed onto her soul but at the time of going to press this was unsubstantiated and she was too busy baking penis-shaped cakes to comment. She writes proper good and does mirth-laced jokes which trick your funny bone into chucking up chuckles and chortles and all that jazz. You’ll like her. Hopefully she will want to do more contents for us soon.

La Route Du Rock is an independent French festival held in St. Malo. It takes place in several venues around le ville including an ancient 18th century castle, the beach, and the hedonistically-titled  Palais du Grand Large (an auditorium by the seaside). This year – the twenty-first year they’ve been ‘aving eet’ – the bill boasted Aphex Twin, Mogwai, Sebadoh, Suuns, The Kills and (amongst others) Negative Narrative contributors Dirty Beaches (see the intraview here).

Where’s the relevance? Well, sorry to disappoint you but there is none. Relevance is dead. Irrelevance is the new relevance. We’ve already been through this. This does however leave some unanswered questions – What is the speed of dark? What is another name for a synonym? How many roads can a man walk down before his feet blister intolerably? If you can help us with answers (to anything really, not just these questions) then please send us your thoughts etched indelibly onto sub-tropical fruits. C’est bon?

 

Kate lives here – Website / Twitter / Facebook

Additional photos taken by John Rogers (Brainlove)